The Grief Is Real: Thanksgiving 2020

 "The Grief is Real: Thanksgiving 2020"

11/23/2020

There is no doubt that COVID-19 is continuing to change our world and our lives. It has changed mine. Normally, around Thanksgiving, I would be considering a trip home to PA to see my 81 year old mother. She is doing fairly well but I do worry about her. She is in good care and for that I am thankful. Even so, her younger sister died a few months ago and it has continued to weigh heavy on mom's heart and soul. I wish I could travel to PA and see her. It would make me feel better and I believe it would lift her spirits too. But that trip is going to have to wait. So, the grief is real. I won't be making that trip.

About 10 days ago I had the amazing blessing of being able to hold my two grandchildren, Eloise and Hampton. She is three and he is eight months old. Holding each of them was priceless at my youngest daughter's engagement celebration that was greatly pared down with only the most immediate family members. It felt so good to be with Eloise and Hampton, and their parents Sierra and Michael. It was the "balm in Gilead" that soothed my heart and soul which had been greatly missed seeing them and being with them.

So, this week there will be many, me included, who will be grieving the norm of being able to freely, almost thoughtlessly, congregate with family at Thanksgiving. I realize that this is a time for smaller, most immediate family gatherings. It's the bigger gatherings that will be most missed for many of us. It's the deferment of traveling to see relatives where COVID-19 numbers are greatly rising. It's a bittersweet time. It's a time of loss even in the midst of some joy. Joy of being able to be with those most closest to us.

So, what can we do? First, be mindful of true feelings and real loss. No one is immune from the losses caused by the pandemic. Let us be gentle with those who are most sad, including ourselves. Let us remember those who have already passed and will be missed this Thanksgiving. That grief is real. Secondly, let us be gentle toward ourselves. Ask yourself: How am I feeling? What do I miss? What can I do to honor my feelings, yet still enjoy life and the holiday? For me, I want to give thanks to God. I am grateful for the bounty of the land and the bounty of a precious family who loves me and who I love. Lastly, let us move forward with a deep faith, honest and true feelings, and a deep love for God and family. May we remember those who need an encouraging word or a kind gesture. Either way, the grief is real and so are the blessings.

My Prayer for Health Care Workers - August 23, 2020

Faithful God, I lift up health care workers and first responders who are working in South Carolina and throughout the country today and tonight. I am grateful for faith communities and clergy who continue to provide support, care and inspiration for workers. I pray for all who are feeling isolated and disconnected as this pandemic continues. Be with workers as they provide emotional and spiritual care to those who have COVID19 and other chronic and acute illnesses. I lift up all workers with the hope that they will continue to take good of themselves, even as they care for others in these most difficult times. I give thanks for sustaining faith, and religious and spiritual practices which help us to stay grounded and rooted in the core values of grace, hope, long-suffering, and most of all, love. For all these things, I pray, amen.

Corona Chronicles Part IV: Buying the Second Round of Toilet Paper in Bulk!

Well, I knew it would happen. I finally ran low on the first round of toilet paper that I bought with many others sometime in the beginning of April 2020. I live alone, well with Lucy too, and it probably took me longer to run through this first round compared to some people and families. Either way, I bit the bullet and went to Kroger this morning and bought round 2 of the great toilet paper American buyout!

I believe I may be the only person to ever go into Costco just two times. That is the truth. I believe both times I went hesitantly. I admit that I am at an age where “less is more” makes a whole lot of sense these days. I have never been a “buy in bulk” consumer, at all! But, fear not, I have an appreciation for those of you who are and who save a lot of money. More power to you! I like saving money, too, but honestly, buying 96 rolls of toilet paper to save money just does not appeal to me. I prefer to live day to day, going with what I need. Yes, it can be a hard way to live when there is no sugar in the cupboard. So, let me just concede the point. Having enough of the basics, i.e. sugar, eggs, TP, is commendable and can be an easier way to live.

So, the need and urge to buy in bulk is one of the ways that the COVID19 pandemic has caused change for many of us. Today, I bought round 2 of my bulk toilet paper. I was pleasantly surprised that Kroger had their cheap name brand and I happily put it into the bottom of my cart because that’s where bulk stuff fits with the junior shopping carts that I like to use.

The pandemic has caused a lot of change. Here is where I am at the present time. I like the adage, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” It is a saying that I have regularly pondered in my life, at times, when I needed to reach down deep and move ahead amidst struggle and trials. Facing challenges is a matter of going through them and realistically acknowledging the struggle of “pressing through” and “onward.” This is a basic life principle of mine. It is a matter of discovering one’s max performance or if you prefer, knowing where the “red line” exists. Let me illustrate. Most cars can rev their engine as high as maybe 6,000 RPM but that is about it and only for a short period. At some point the engine will blow and shutdown. That is the red line and the warning line. Well, COVID19 is pushing most of us to discover the red lines in life. Where are the limits and maximums? What can I honestly do and achieve in a day’s work? Where do I need to ask for help? These are good questions. Some of these questions I am asking myself even daily.

So, you are not alone. Most of us have probably bought round 2 of bulk TP. Have you? Most have probably hit or neared a few life “red lines.” It is just where we are right now. So, let us remember that we all have limits and eventually we run out of resources and we must recharge, refuel, recalibrate, and pray again. May we have the wisdom and grace to know when to step back and reconsider the challenges that lay ahead. Then, let us be careful to avoid burnout and overheating. In the end, we all must reload and recharge, refresh, and renew the lives we are living. May you be blessed as you navigate COVID19 challenges and this very uncommon season of life. Happy shopping at Costco, too!

Corona Chronicles - Part III

May 17, 2020

There is an old saying: The only person who likes change is a wet baby. I say “for sure” to that. The Corona COVID-19 pandemic has brought monumental changes to all of us in our own way. Some of the changes are almost universally prescribed: 6-feet social distancing, self-monitoring for symptoms, shortages of necessities like toilet paper and Lysol disinfectant wipes, no haircuts or nail salon visits to name a few.

Yet, change can be exciting and exhilarating. Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not signing up for uninvited changes. Most of us, me included, like to have moderate control over our schedules, eating habits and offerings, salon visits, and taking Fido to the pet doctor. All of these things are important.

Change is sometimes thrust upon us. For some that has meant pay cuts, furloughs, new work hours, days and nights running together, social distancing, and taking one’s temperature twice a day. In fact, I have taken my temperature more in the last 6-weeks than I have my entire life.

Yet, change can bring good. I am enjoying, sometimes (emphasis sometimes), adjusting and accepting new ways of doing things. Here are some obvious changes:

My commute has less traffic and gas prices are down. Now, who would have predicted those things during a pandemic? Well, less traffic makes sense but gas price drops were unexpected. I will take that. In fact, I was groaning just yesterday about the price increasing to 1.57 a gallon.

I have also learned to enjoy watching and participating in my church’s online service. I never would have imagined that the online service would be or could be just as meaningful for me as compared to in-person, but I can say it is for me. That has been a big change and surprise for me.

I received the “tax rebate” that was delivered to tax payers who paid taxes in either 2018 or 2019. I certainly did not expect a 1200.00 check from the government but it happened and it helped. That was a change of pace, especially since April 15 tends to mean “pay up” in most years.

This pandemic has moved my heart and soul towards the larger global world. I think there is about 7.8 billion people in the world and most of us are dealing with some challenge of sorts from this novel Corona virus. The virus reinforces the idea that it is indiscriminate. Everyone is prone to get it and immunity against it has yet to be guaranteed or found. We are in this together, as the inhabitants of Mother Earth.

Finally, change can be good, exhilarating, scary, maddening, or even benign. Even so, we change every day. Some changes are minor most of the time. Yet, there are events, like COVID-19, where change breeds change. One good change can lead to another change that can lead to another change. It seems that some people who work at home are considering full time home-based employment. They have tried it and they do not want to go back to the work place. Working at home meets some needs that were getting unmet like more time with the kids and less time commuting. Some are saying that productivity is up for “stay at home” workers as compared to the regular “go to the workplace” set up.

Most importantly, these past six weeks have made it possible for me to make changes faster than normal. Some has been thrust upon me. That has been hard at times. Other changes have been good and welcoming once they have been tested and the new goals and new work methods have been used. So, how are you dealing with changes? I would guess that some have been unexpectedly good. If so, let’s ride those out while grieving the losses too. Let’s continue to let “good change” foster more “good change.” I don’t know where it all leads but I know that God is calling me to listen to God and listen to my own self and needs. The combination of God, me, and change seems to be bearing good fruit and that’s been novel and fun for the most part. I can only hope that your best version of you and me is yet to come given all these unexpected changes. Amen.

Corona COVID19 Chronicles: Gains and Losses

I have not turned on ESPN more than one time in about two months. Oddly I don’t miss sports and I don’t miss ESPN. Actually, I don’t have time to worry about all of the sports events that I have missed. I am too worried about remembering if I have taken my temperature two times a day and whether it is under 99.5.

I really need a haircut but I am going to be ok. Most everyone needs a haircut. We are in this “boat” together. No one has the upper hand on barber shops or beauty shops. I hope my regular hair person does not decide to leave her work as a hairdresser but if she did, I would understand. It’s rather up-close and personal kind of work. It’s the kind where a virus could be caught via unintended touching or even an untimely sneeze into the Sports Clips shop.

I have not yet had the chance to hold my new grandson, Hampton Dell Love, born March 2, 2020 in metro Columbia. It’s hard to believe but it’s true. Even so, I am ok not holding him until this crazy virus is tamed and chances of transmission from me to him are minimized to almost zero percent. I can wait.

I really missed not being with my family on Easter Sunday for worship and then a meal. I still wonder what it would have been like having two beautiful grandkids around and seeing my four adult children and other family. I watched the Easter worship service online as Riverland Hills adapts to worship outside the four walls. It has been a pleasant surprise and new twist for me to watch Sunday service on a day that I work. Online services availability did not come a day too soon for me. I am glad the COVID-19 has created one more way for my church to offer a worship experience.

On a very, very sad note, 900 MUSC employees were put on furlough, and even closer to home, 5 (five) of the furloughs happened to my chaplain colleagues. It hurt to hear and see the layoffs happen to my co-workers. COVID-19’s dastardly work has been done as I have witnessed co-workers lose income and meaning and purpose.

Maybe most importantly, the denial is wearing off and the virus has really caused a lot of heartache for individuals and families. There are real people who are losing businesses, losing health, and losing connections with their social and work circles. Loss is real and anxiety and depression are nearby, if not present. What can we do?

First, I say, grieve our losses. Grieve my own losses. They are unique to you and unique to me. No one is the same but we have losses and they are real. Second, find ways to still connect without causing potential medical harm to others or yourself. Use your phone, email, and human presence to reach out to others. Don’t let an invisible virus cause you to be invisible to others. Stay connected, even if it is six feet apart. Third, let this time be a rare chance to reevaluate your priorities in life. Ask, what is important? What are my goals? What matters and what doesn’t matter. It’s a beautiful time to step back and look at the forest rather than the trees for a change. Let this time be a chance to grow spiritually. For me I am writing a daily prayer that I share with others. It has been fascinating and so important to me to see and hear that the prayers are touching lives. Even so, my own life and prayers are touching me too. I am pondering my own words and taking “my own medicine.” It’s good for my soul. Finally, I encourage you to do an inventory of gains and losses as a result of COVID-19. I imagine it will be therapeutic to just recount your losses and recount your gains. Hopefully, this virus will subside and we can return to a degree of normalcy soon. That’s my prayer and hope.

Caregivers Using Spiritual Practices to Cope With COVID-19

March 22, 2020 was a significant day for many churches and faith groups across the country.  My own home church actually launched its first ever on-line service.  I was so glad as I was able to watch it from my work location.  It was encouraging and uplifting to see familiar faces and in one case, “make history,” by participating in the service by watching.

Regular worship attendance is a part of my journey as a hospital chaplain.  I cannot imagine what it would be like not to have a church home where I can worship, sing songs, hear music and prayers, hear scripture, and be encouraged by a challenging message from a pastor.  It is like feeding my soul each week.  I need it and it is so important to my emotional and spiritual health.

I hope you will find a way to listen to a service, sermon, music, inspirational speaker this week as you wind down an amazingly stressful week in health care settings.

One quick story:  In April 2001 I had the devastating experience of layoff from my work as a correctional chaplain at a correctional facility in South Carolina.  I remember going into the warden’s office and hearing his words, “I’m sorry, but we are going to have to lay off some of our staff and I am sorry to say that includes you that are here.”  I could not believe my ears.  Even now some people in South Carolina are hearing those same words from their hospitality and food employer, gym fitness center, and retail settings to name a few.  I imagine some of us know someone who has already had that happen to them.  It is sad.  It is hurtful to the one laid off and it effects entire family systems.  So what can we do?  Here are three quick ideas:

1.            Reconnect with your faith tradition and its resources.  Maybe this can be a time for spiritual renewal and growth.  It is already for me and I am using the time as such.

2.            Call your friends and check on them.  Do not wait for them to call you.  Maybe they need some spiritual encouragement as they deal with the stress of being newly minted “home school professors” for all of their kids.  Imagine the stress of parents who are trying to juggle work and family responsibilities.  It is almost beyond the ability of most, but with God, all things are possible.

3.            Maybe reframe and rethink some of the downtime as a way to accomplish some necessary tasks.  Maybe there is a book you have been wanting to read or even a house repair project that needs some simple but convincing attention.  Even a well deserved nap during the day may be a new opportunity that has not been available in the past.  Above all, be good to yourself and find a way to bless yourself and your life.  It’s ok to do that.

Thank you for all you are doing as a clinicians, healthcare caregivers, and EMS services.  May goodness be upon you and your family.  Amen.

The Hospital: A Place to be Fully Human

I am so grateful for the opportunity that I have had to work and train in a hospital setting. I began my clinical pastoral education in 1999 and have been actively involved in chaplaincy as a hospital chaplain since then for almost that entire time. What’s most amazing to me is the fact that hospitals and hospital staff work at ground zero. This includes trauma calls, end of life, new diagnoses, mental health crises, and even routine surgeries. All of it seems rather “down to earth.” In a way, working at ground zero, the hospital ER and hospital rooms, has given me the opportunity to be with folks at some of the most emotionally and physically rawest moments in life. As such, I work to encourage my patients to own their full humanity while I at the same time try to be fully human with them in their hospitalization. It’s the greatest gift I can offer. It’s the gift of accepting my fellow human being as being fully human. As COVID-19 shakes the world, I believe that being fully human is the way to live in and through this worldwide crisis. It means acknowledging my own fear and worry and tending to the worry and fear and anxiety of others. There is no need to “spin it” positively when the situation is very concerning at the least. So, living my fully human life with my fellow humans, family members, neighbors, co-workers, and strangers is the way for me. I want to help and be helped. We all need help in our ways and we all can give help to those in our paths and circles. Finally, being fully human does not negate my spiritual life. Instead, my spiritual beliefs give me hope, comfort and grace. These spiritual gifts serve to help me appreciate my true humanity even more. I seek to own my true feelings amidst this crisis while at the same time remembering I am not alone. In fact, it seems to me that COVID-19 is helping me and others to connect with people in ways that maybe could not even be possible before this event. That’s the silver lining from this virus that I hope subsides and passes, sooner than later. I believe we are all in this together.